Why do many people care so much about what others think about them? 

I used to be a person who was very concerned about what people thought of me and what I thought of them.This has always annoyed me and I've always tried to get rid of it. But then, no matter how hard I tried, it only made me more sensitive and more concerned about others.I became a person who accepts herself unconditionally and is not affected by any judgment or comparison.

Here, I share my experience with you. The whole article is over 8,000 words, and I believe that after reading this article, you will be able to let go of your concern for other people's opinions.

When I was very young, my parents always demanded some very strict standards from me, they always told me: you are not good enough.They would also rarely praise me and give me positive comments, and would always compare me to other people's children.

This has caused me to grow up: judging myself by other people's standards and trying to meet other people's expectations.

Other people's approval or disapproval of me can have a huge impact on my emotions.I don't know and won't express my own needs.In a way, I also have some tendency to please others.

Later, stepping into the counseling profession and meeting many visitors who were also plagued by being overly concerned with what others think, I found that almost all of these people had one thing in common: they were always asked in childhood by their parents or caregivers to be who they expected them to be.This point is the root cause of our tendency to always be overly concerned about what other people think.

The way we relate to our parents is the template for almost everything that creates our future perceptions and behavior patterns. However, we should also realize that it is only a template. In the process of our future growth, our cognition and behaviors are fed back and reinforced by our interactions with others, so that "caring what others think" really becomes one of our "basic habits" and "core beliefs".

With the development and rapid popularization of psychology, many psychological concepts are well known to the public, and many of them are inevitably exaggerated and absolute in the process of dissemination. The term "family of origin" is one of them.

The human tendency to attribute is to habitually look for answers at the source, and so the term "family of origin" has become almost universally accepted as the root cause of psychological disorders.

But in reality, we must realize that childhood experiences are only a "trigger" but not the whole cause of our problems, and in fact the reinforcement and repetition of our childhood behaviors and cognitive patterns as we grow up is the main cause of our problems.

It is not uncommon for people to have childhood experiences where they are expected by their parents to be what they want them to be, but there are still many people who have these experiences but do not grow up to be people like you and me who are overly concerned about what others think.

What does this tell us?

This shows that the family of origin does cause these problems in the beginning, but we have every opportunity and ability to grow out of this cognitive pattern we have.For example, if you have a group of friends who accept you, if you get good grades in school and constantly get positive feedback from others, if you have "unconditional self-esteem", if you are very strong and your classmates are afraid of you, etc., these are all external factors that may change our cognitive patterns.

On the other hand, even if you have a clear and complete picture of how you got along with your parents in your childhood, and you know exactly what your parents did to you to make you care so much about other people's opinions, then what happens?

But then what?

And then if you want to change the problem completely, you have to start with your "present" cognitive and behavioral patterns, and only when you change your cognitive and behavioral habits can the problem be solved.And even if we just change your cognitive and behavioral habits, even if we don't know the cause, you will still be able to get rid of this problem completely.

So what is all of this to make you understand?

It's about you understanding that you don't blame all your problems on the past, on your family of origin, and that the family of origin is the trigger that caused your current problems, but it's just a trigger, that's all.

There are very many people who will blame all their problems on their family of origin and be very sad and say, I really can't let go of this, I'm in so much pain, I'm so sad. It's all the fault of the past.

The only good thing about blaming the family of origin is that you can say that the parents are to blame for all your problems, so that you can continue to run away from your own responsibilities and the problems you should be facing, and it becomes "easier" for you.

We have to realize that it doesn't help us to solve our problems by investigating who is at fault and why.All we need to do is to address the problem, find a solution, make a change, and the problem will be solved.If you do nothing but cry, "I feel so bad", this is the root cause of your constant being affected by the problem.

Now that we're clear that the only way to solve problems is to take action, let's look at the "direct causes" that cause you to be overly concerned about what others think. These direct causes are the key to solving our problems.One of the most important direct causes of being overly concerned about what others think is: fear of offending others.Undoubtedly, this is a core belief in the subconscious mind of anyone who cares too much about what other people think.

You're afraid of conflict with others, you're afraid of people being angry with you, you're afraid of people snubbing you, you're afraid of people using violence against you, you're afraid of people abandoning you.

And the essence of all of these fears is the fear of "death danger".

This fear comes from the trigger of our problem: our parents demand that we be who they expect us to be. In childhood, our parents are the only guarantee that we will survive, and not being recognized by them and not being able to meet their expectations means that we risk being abandoned by them. And for children, being abandoned by their parents means death.

The fear of this risk of death drives us to try to meet our parents' expectations.

2. low self-esteem.

The causes of low self-esteem are varied. People with low self-esteem are basically overly concerned about what others think of them. Therefore, low self-esteem and excessive concern for others' opinions are a cross-relationship.

3. Sensitive

Sensitive means that a person's mental capacity is poor, easily hurt and prone to overthinking.

4. Compare yourself with others.

As long as you compare yourself with others, you are bound to get hurt.

Constantly making yourself stronger, constantly making yourself more perfect so that you can outperform others when you compare yourself to them, will not solve this problem.

No matter how strong you get, no matter how good you get, there will always be people in the world who are better than you. That means you will always be less than others and you will always be frustrated.

So it's fundamental to realize at the outset that you don't have the slightest need to compare yourself to others, and by giving up the comparison, you won't suffer.

5. the inability to accept the ego.

There are three modes of human self-esteem.

One is "dependent self-esteem," which means relying on the judgmental standards of others to see oneself. He will be very happy when he receives praise and approval from others, and jealous when he is rejected or rejected by others.

A person who cares too much about the opinions of others is called "Dependent Self-Esteem".

The second type of self-esteem is "independent self-esteem", which means that a person no longer relies on external standards and the eyes of others to see himself, but completely follows his own standards and requirements to see himself.

However, people with independent self-esteem can sometimes be frustrated by setting too high a standard for themselves.

The third type of self-esteem is "unconditional self-esteem," which means that I completely respect and accept myself without any reason, without any judgmental standards, without any conditions.

Only this kind of self-esteem is true self-esteem.

Conditional self-esteem is essentially just playing the trick of "finding a standard and meeting it" and thus consoling oneself.

So when a person is not able to accept himself, he is empty inside, unable to get support from within himself, and has to seek approval and strength from outside.

6. Trying to be someone else.

We all have an ideal self, and the gap between the ideal self and the real self is the root cause of very many neurological problems.

Both our culture and the teachings of our parents and elders teach us to be "someone else" and no one ever tells us to be yourself.Trying to be "other," trying to be "better," "more perfect," "richer," "have more sex with the opposite sex" are what keep many people alive, but they are essentially just fulfilling a false fantasy.

For the vast majority of people, they live their whole lives in this fantasy, they live their whole lives in order to be judged by the outside world, and they waste their "own" life in order to be "someone else".

As long as you can solve one of these six direct causes, you'll basically be able to stop caring about what others think of you.

But it's very hard to solve your own problems when you have no one to guide you. You don't have a goal and you don't have a method. You probably don't have the execution power either, and it's hard to keep going.

Here, I'm sharing all my experiences and thoughts over the years, and I'll help you from all angles in all aspects to build a core belief of confidence, self-esteem, and self-love, and if you can internalize the following beliefs, then you don't need to do much to gradually change your problems.

All you need to do is to read this part of the following every night until you completely understand it.

And when you understand it, the problem will be solved naturally.

1. people don't care that much about you or about you.

Although the wording is "caring too much about what other people think", this essentially means "excessive self-focus".

That is to say, the real problem is not what other people think of you, but that you are too important to what other people think of you and the consequences of what they think of you.

In fact, you must be clearly aware of this: not many people are paying attention to you, not many people have any "opinion" of you.

Think about it: how much do you think about others? Even if you have some opinion about someone, how long does that opinion last? And how does your opinion affect others?

What you think of others has no real effect at all, and if it does, it's because that person "cares" about what you think, and that's why they respond to it.

The opposite is also true for you: what other people think of you is itself an "insubstantial" effect.

So you see: you care about what others think of you because you are afraid of the effects of what others think of you - that's why you care about what others think of you.

And if you don't care what other people think of you - then what other people think of you will have no effect on you.

Do you get it?

Opinions are always just opinions.

And what if you say: well what if people call me stupid? What if people bully me? What if people marginalize me? What you need to do is to defend your right to fight back against your bullies, or to change your stupid ways if you are indeed stupid.

Let's be clear: the antithesis of caring too much about what others think is "not caring what others think", not "completely, absolutely, and totally rejecting what others think". Not caring simply means that you won't be affected or hurt by other people's perceptions. But you will still confront, face, and accept what others think of you.

Let's say it's because of your excessive behavior of urinating and defecating in the dormitory that you're upset with others, then what you need to do is to modify your behavior instead of ignoring others' perceptions.

So an important premise is that you should be able to distinguish, on an objective level, whether or not your actions have harmed or affected others, and if they do not violate the law and basic morals, and if they do not harm or affect others, then you can completely ignore their views.

2. it is you who is most important to you in this world. Other people and their opinions don't matter.

Every time I tell my visitors, "It's themselves that matter," almost invariably they reply, "That's a bit selfish, isn't it?" "But my parents had a hard time raising me." "Then she's my best friend hey!" "But I really love my boyfriend!"

Whenever I hear this response, I can't help but feel a handful of pain in my heart to see how far "social consciousness" has hurt these people, who have no sense of self-love and self-respect at all.

In our social environment, there is a constant emphasis on collectivism, on helping others, on being considerate of others, we define thinking for ourselves, expressing and meeting our own needs as selfishness, and society as a whole is either overtly or covertly critical of "selfishness".

This is the same reason why children who are too sensible often grow up to be unhappy. If a person does not have the courage and openness to satisfy his or her own "selfish" feelings, but only cares for and satisfies the feelings of others, he or she will never be happy.

Because the essence of happiness is the satisfaction of one's own desires and needs, you must put your own needs first in order for your whole life to be happy.

If you are always thinking of others, always catering to and satisfying others, your needs and desires will be suppressed for a long time, and in time you will forget what you really want and what you like, and you will be essentially no different from a walking corpse at this time.

No matter who you are, you are living first and foremost for yourself. You will continue to meet many people in your life, and there will be countless others who will freely tell you what they think of you. Does it matter what they think of you?

In fact it doesn't matter at all, most of the people around you now will probably disappear in three or five years, to you, these people are just some passers-by in your life, so why do you need to flatter and please these people who are not important to you at all? What do you care what these passers-by think?